My early parenting years inspired this piece. As a new mom to a six-year-old, I never rocked my girl to sleep as an infant or toddler. When she moved in, we had no established bedtime rhythm together, and nights were not easy for either one of us. If you’ve ever cared for a little one who fights sleep for any reason or wakes with nightmares and becomes distressed at the first signs of darkness closing in, you may know (like I learned) that there is no punishing or rewarding anyone into a sleep state. Instead, you figure out (as if your life depends on it sometimes) that comfort, connection, and consistency are what help most. In this piece, I propose that comfort and connection woven into consistent rhythms are also what schools need most right now to address out of control behavior.

Educators are expressing overwhelm about student behaviors being out of control as the stress of pandemic schooling continues. I’ll give you trauma-sensitive suggestions for addressing these problems. In short, they aren’t big changes but a focus on small ones instead.

Stress that is too much, meaning trauma, often leaves folks feeling out of control. That’s true if the events themselves infringe on one’s choices. It can relate to folks’ reactions making them feel powerless inside too.

COVID-19 itself has overwhelmed the world with one unpredictable wave of change after another. Many other layers of stress continue as well. We need collective efforts to solve the myriad of difficulties people are facing, yet communities (and personal relationships) are fractured, which makes next steps challenging.

In response to these conditions, the body’s energy goes up for some people while for others, it goes down. Also, distress goes out for some individuals and in for others. It might fluctuate between up or down as well as in and out too. No matter what, it’s affecting both educators and students. While we must do the deeper work to change what’s causing harm, personal comforts and small steps may help most now.

Educators May Feel Out of Control

While educators are doing their best to create some sense of normalcy at school (when things aren’t at all normal), difficulties abound. Staff shortages bring the need to cover for colleagues. Also, changes in expectations continue as the virus changes, which burdens faculty more than ever before. Criticism and hostility toward school staff have also been rising, contributing to a lack of safety and support. Furthermore, pressure to make up for all the losses since spring of 2019 understandably creates more burdens on humans who are trying their best to take good care of others when they and their own loved ones may be worried, ill, or grieving.

As folks crave normalcy and feel distressed without it, some educators may act as if things are normal. Others recognize that nothing is normal and carry the weight of that truth.

When adults are as overwhelmed (or shut down) as many are, the first priority must be to lessen stress wherever possible. Leaders must listen to and ease educator burdens whenever they can. Take anything off the plates that can go. Additionally, everyone should acknowledge the load that administrators are carrying too. It’s a lot for everyone.

Students Don’t Feel in Control Either

Obviously, not all stressors can be eased. As a result, expect youth to be affected by adult stress responses because caregiver stress impacts kids. That’s in addition to how the world’s big changes are impacting children and teens directly (e.g., by way of stress or loss related to threats and harm, family hardships, alterations to routines at home or school, less freedom and barriers to socializing, and high conflict between adults).

As social beings who need healthy attachments, being interdependent means good stuff or hard things within relationships impact everyone who is connected. Whether helpful or unhelpful, it’s the ripple effect. When it’s stress on top of stress, children and teens feel out of control inside too. Like the adults who care for them, they aren’t choosing these changes or the overwhelm they bring. They alone can’t soothe the tensions within their relationships either (though they may try to).

This doesn’t make it adults’ fault that students are feeling out of control. Rather, expect youth distress when relationships and the world are full of uncertainty and threat.

What Humans Do When We Don’t Feel in Control

There’s something everyone needs to understand about what tends to happen when humans feel out of control. We all seek control when we don’t feel in control. This isn’t necessarily a conscious choice. It’s just what happens.

“We all seek control when we don’t feel in control.”

It’s true of a toddler who melts down when they want to put on their shoes themselves but struggle. It’s also what might happen when a little one soaks up their caregiver’s distress after a family member dies and says “No” more often than usual.

For school age children, navigating the tensions and stress of the school day may result in increased irritability and tuning out of directions about chores at home. Or, when a family is understandably stressed by financial concerns caused by society’s inequities, a child may seek control by overpowering friends or not doing homework. It’s something they can control when there’s so much they can’t. Again, it’s not a conscious choice. It’s a response to feeling big stress.

Teens who are experiencing hostility between adults who fight about masks or whether to allow teaching about racism in schools may mirror that distress through their own peer group behaviors by joining in on challenges for vandalism (or something else). For those who are also experiencing racism at school or maltreatment in any setting, youth internal responses are likely even more overwhelming. Some will act out through aggression. Others may turn their distress inward, perhaps controlling their calorie intake or using substances to numb their feelings.

Of course, these are just a few examples of stressors and the reactions to feeling out of control that may accompany them.

Seeking Control Can Turn Into a Spiral of Doom

Educators who already feel out of control will understandably feel even more out of control when student behaviors escalate. As such, they may dysregulate more than they typically have in the past, resulting in more punitive words or actions. In turn, this causes kids to feel more distressed and out of control.