In Building Trauma-Sensitive Schools, I wrote that trauma-sensitivity is practiced within a relationships-first culture that benefits learners and educators. While a focus on friendship is part of this work, not every relationship for educators is a friendship. 

You should not be your students’ friends for instance. You’re a professional. An adult caregiver. Even if your learners are seventeen+, they’re still youth—children even—I assert. Remembering helps ensure we don’t forget the developmental needs and vulnerabilities of our learners, and it reminds us of our responsibility to protect them while supporting their growth. While you’re a potential attachment figure for youth as an educator, you’re not their friend, and you’re not their family member either. They already have families, and they need them. Remembering this matters and so does maintaining clear boundaries around your role.

All that said, there are qualities within healthy, reciprocal friendships that can encourage healing-centered relationships with youth and their families at school. These are things I strive for in my relationships with educators, and that’s true whether you’ve worked with me in-person or we’re solely connected online.

Here are just a few examples:

• Educator relationships need to be empowering, meaning the point is to strengthen fellow educator, learner, and family power instead of taking it away. This doesn’t mean you can’t be a leader in your classroom or school. You need to be a caring leader, and healthy leaders share power. We must reckon honestly with the power structures within our educational systems then and change them when necessary. I’m relentless for school change, and I’m asking you to be too.

• Connections marked by give-and-take are key. Importantly, giving and taking won’t necessarily be balanced in your educator relationships, and there are culturally relevant variances too. Unlike many healthy friendships, you’ll often be doing more giving than taking. Still, these relationships need give-and-take to be healthy. Ultimately, we can’t empower others if we’re doing all the work (and taking control of everything).

• These connections require both nurture and challenge. Sometimes one or the other will be best, while the opposite will be required at other times. Or, more often, an intentionally scaffolded mix of both is most appropriate. If we challenge when people need nurture, we’ll overwhelm folks. If we nurture when individuals are ready for challenge, though, we’ll hold back growth. Obviously, it’s messy, nuanced, and changes moment-to-moment. Listening, listening more, practicing trauma-informed observational skills, and reflecting with colleagues or other thoughts partners are important, especially when any one of us (myself included) thinks we’ve got it all figured out on our own. 

• The work calls for a whole lot of boundaries. Boundaries around your feelings or needs and those of others’. Boundaries between what is and isn’t within your role and scope of expertise, but also, what you’re personally (and culturally) comfortable with (or not). Boundaries regarding what is helpful and unhelpful in supporting both individuals and entire communities of learners to reach their goals.

• Relationship repair is what keeps us connected for the long haul. You don’t have to get it all right all the time. Rather, show up, be present, 100% as you are—mistakes and quirks included. Just be honest when what you do is unhelpful and be willing to learn from these experiences to make changes moving forward. It’s never fair to expect learners to work on themselves if you’re not actively working on yourself too. Note: We all have work to do on ourselves.