I’ve encouraged educators to change the word disrespectful to dysregulated so we can safely address the nervous system needs driving big energy or a shut down of it within our classrooms. Injustice, racial trauma, and other harms should (and do) cause us, as humans, to be angry. Let’s unpack the importance of anger and explore how to honor needs that may go with it at school.
"How Are You Going to Regulate Yourself?"
Some time ago, a personal call came in while I sat working at a local diner. The voice narrated, “Something’s happened. I don’t know any other way to approach this than to tell you and get it over with.”
I braced for what was coming—my neck stiffening, jaw clenched, and eyes wide. The news, worse than I thought it would be, set off a bolt of energy throughout my body. Then as I often do, I became calmer, a bit blank even—both inside and out. I jumped to this situation’s version of, “Now what?” As in, “Can you tell me what’s happening in this moment?” And, “What are our next steps?” (My go-tos in a crisis.)
The full impact of this harm wouldn’t hit me until later. That’s when I experienced a rush of wind-like energy—an internal hurricane if you will. “How could this happen?” And, “How did I not see this coming?” I felt angry with those who had contributed to this situation. I also felt upset with myself for missing any warning signs. While I didn’t take this out on anyone—I certainly felt its intensity.
Later, I talked things over with someone else who was also familiar with the situation. They said, “What are you going to do to help yourself stay regulated through all this?” Another jolt of sharp energy hit me, and I felt like screaming. Instead, I went quiet in the conversation and spent time ruminating about it afterwards—all while it festered.
Because…
Why were my feelings about this more problematic than the harm itself?
Perhaps my listener felt uncomfortable with my anger (or anyone’s). Maybe they worried that expressing anger could upset the status-quo within the institutions and systems we’re both lodged in. Or, they’re so practiced at interacting with humans who have difficulty managing their feelings that their knee jerk reaction was to focus on prompting for regulation instead of acknowledging my pain. Regardless of where it was coming from, their response hurt.
Here’s what I needed in that moment instead:
“This is a whole lot to take in. Of course you are upset and angry.”
I would have felt safe, seen, heard, and valued with these words, and it could have been regulating, too.
Here’s why:
Getting regulated isn’t about fighting or stopping what we feel; it’s about honoring what we experience so we can safely feel our feelings—not only within ourselves but in our relationships, too.
As an educator, you may naturally support learners who are feeling sad or scared, but sometimes honoring anger is more difficult for folks. I can help.
"Getting regulated isn't about fighting or stopping what we feel; it's about honoring what we experience so we can safely feel our feelings—not only within ourselves but in our relationships, too."
Questions to Discuss About Anger
There’s a whole lot of harm, trauma, and injustice in our world. Plus, there are day-to-day stressors, changes, conflicting wants and needs in relationships, health/sensory/cognitive/environmental loads, misunderstandings, and annoyances, too.
Bottom line?
I get angry.
You get angry.
Adults get angry.
Kids get angry.
Anger isn’t bad.
“It’s what we do with it that matters,” right?
If you’re like many educators, that last line is probably familiar to you. Let’s give it pause, however.
Of course what we do with our emotions matters, but in saying that, we can contribute to shutting down people’s feelings. After all, dysregulation is supposed to happen when people are being traumatized. And… Aggression is possible—predictable even—when harm doesn’t stop. That’s why our collective emphasis must be more on stopping trauma than suppressing people’s anger in response to it. It’s the only way to address the causes of harm instead of policing their effects.
Anger is often necessary to help us take action that disrupts and prevents trauma, so I’m inviting you to think about what being up close with anger is like for you, whether it’s in yourself or others.
Try writing or discussing answers to these questions. Use the download Questions to Unpack Anger, if you want to.
- Look up at least two definitions or writings about anger. One that I’ve found helpful is a line from Brene´Brown (2021) in Atlas of the Heart, “Anger is a catalyst. It’s an emotion that we need to transform into something life-giving: courage, love, change, compassion, and justice.” Another option is Nikita Gill‘s poem titled For When You Need Validation for Your Anger, which is on Instagram. Finally, consider Octavia Butler’s (2005) words in Fledgling, “When your rage is choking you, it’s best to say nothing.” What does these or other lines mean to you? Do they spark any feelings, wonderings, images, or ideas?
- Is there anything you learned about anger while growing up that you want to acknowledge now? Ask yourself if that’s something you want to hang onto as is or if you would like it to shift.
- What’s your relationship with anger like currently, meaning what’s it like for you when you feel angry? Draw a picture or write words to go with it if you’d like. Consider the needs that may go with your anger.
- What’s it like for you when other people feel or express anger? Does it matter who it is or how old they are? Or, how the anger is expressed? Why might that be? Is this a possible growth spot for you?
- How do culture, bias, and power differentials between groups influence how individuals experience, express, and get treated in relation to feeling angry? And, how does it influence anger coming back at various groups, too?
"Anger is a catalyst. It's an emotion that we need to transform into something life-giving: courage, love, change, compassion, and justice."
Exploring Instead of Suppressing Anger
Focusing on regulation at school is a must for educators and learners, so how do we honor people’s anger— exploring instead of suppressing it? This question is important and hefty. There are no easy answers here. Try using The Four Essentials to guide thoughtful, trauma-sensitive responses.
- Think safety, first—with a side note
- Then connection
- Followed by regulation
- And… learning
Think Safety, First—With a Side Note
In my call with the other person mentioned above, I wasn’t at risk of being unsafe, but I did exhibit signs from the list because I felt angry. Assuming I might become unsafe and prompting me to consider how I would get regulated weren’t warranted so it felt like an ask (or demand) to disconnect from my anger. It also led to disconnection between the other person and myself. Likewise, when educators assume someone’s anger is unsafe or disrespectful, it can contribute to more disconnection instead of less.
Keep reading to learn how to stay connected even when someone is angry.
When someone is overwhelmed and vulnerable to becoming unsafe, trauma-sensitive educators can say, “I’m concerned about you and want to help you be and feel safer. Then we can talk more about what’s bothering you.” This is healthy regulation, not suppression, as long as you move toward the root of their feelings, eventually—if that’s wanted.
Thinking safety first, however, requires a side note. We have to interrogate what we deem unsafe and why. Sometimes, we interpret something as unsafe (or at least disrespectful) when really someone is just feeling angry. Our own lived experiences and biases can come into play here. Plus, these patterns influence how safe youth may feel with educators who represent groups who have been harmful to them in the past.
For example, White educators (as a group) have a tendency to interpret Black youth as more aggressive than they are, which is one reason why students of color have more office referrals, suspensions, and expulsions than white learners (Dutil, 2020; Morris, 2016). These patterns justifiably influence Black youth’s lived experience and their experiences of safety, connection, and regulation within their relationships with white educators too (Douglas, Lewis, Douglas, Scott, & Garrison-Wade, 2008). To learn more about biases and explore your own, go to Harvard’s Project Implicit.
With this side note in mind, the list below contains things that can show up alongside anger that aren’t necessarily unsafe:
- Bigger, more animated energy or a shut-down instead
- Energy moving forward to protect self
- Clenched muscles
- Intense eye contact
- Louder, faster vocals or not saying anything at all
- Finger pointing
- Sweating
- Pacing or shaking
- Angry gestures or facial expressions
- Phrases like, “I won’t respect them because they don’t respect me”
- Other patterns of protection (e.g., leaving spaces abruptly)
"Sometimes we interpret something as unsafe (or disrespectful) when really, it's just someone feeling angry."
Then Connection, Followed by Regulation, And... Learning
To connect when someone is angry, listen and respond to help the other person experience being seen, heard, and valued. It might be of benefit to remind yourself that they can feel angry without you needing to feel angry too. Also recognize that how people express anger and with whom can vary due to cultural differences and lived experiences.
The questions, “What do you feel?” “What do you need?” And… “How can I help?” can be your guide to safe connection, followed by regulation, and… learning. Validating folks’ feelings and needs is important too.
Here’s what acknowledging someone’s anger can sound like:
- “You seem angry…”
- “Feeling angry isn’t bad; it’s a healthy emotion.”
- “What do you want me to understand about this anger you’re feeling?”
- “Even though you’re mad—even if you’re mad at me—that doesn’t mean I’m upset with you.”
- “What am I not understanding yet that you want me to?”
- “Anger can give us energy to help change things; what do you wish would change?”
Remember… It’s not your job to fix anybody’s feelings. Just being there, in connection, can be helpful.
"It's not your job to fix anybody's feelings."
Learn More About What Fuels Harm For Learners
This post scratches the surface in relation to the harms that can fuel anger and other stress responses for learners and educators.
Racial trauma is real and represents one of these harms, which is why I have a brand new resource available in my Trauma-Sensitive Quick Guide series to help you better understand what racial trauma is, its effects on health and learning, and what you can do about it at school. It’s titled Disrupting and Preventing Racial Trauma Using UDL. I co-authored it with Andratesha Fritzgerald who is a fellow educator, author, and international speaker. From a definition of racial trauma, to current statistics on its causes and effects, Andratesha and I explain what you can do to stop and prevent these patterns, using a trauma-sensitive approach within Universal Design for Learning (UDL).
As Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” We look forward to both learning and doing better alongside you, which is why Andratesha and I are also co-facilitating a new virtual workshop with Brookes Publishing on Friday, February 27, 2026. Wherever you are in your journey of learning about racial trauma, we hope you will join us in community online to explore the importance of truth-telling, especially in today’s social-political climate. We’ll help you practice six reflective questions from the guide, track your own physiological cues, and engage in exercises that illuminate real vs. felt safety. Importantly, you’ll learn to recognize systemic failures while discovering actionable strategies you can implement within your own sphere of influence—regardless of your role. Register today!
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
Your Next Steps...
1. Explore the questions about anger and your answers to them using my download: Questions to Unpack Anger. Then practice acknowledging rather than trying to change or stop individuals’ anger at school.
2. Read our new quick guide for more ideas about how you can disrupt and prevent racial trauma using trauma-sensitive Universal Design for Learning (UDL).
3. Learn more about racial harm and how it fuels anger and other trauma responses, by signing up to attend my virtual workshop with Andratesha Fritzgerald on Friday, February 27, 2026 with Brookes Publishing.
Doing better alongside you,
References
Alexander, J. & Fritzgerald, A. (2025). Disrupting and preventing racial trauma using UDL: A guide for trauma-sensitive educators. Brookes Publishing Co.
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House.
Butler, O. E. (2005). Fledgling: A novel. Grand Central Publishing.
Douglas, B, Lewis, C. W., Douglas, A., Scott, M. E., & Garrison-Wade, D. (2008). The impact of white teachers on the academic achievement of Black students: An exploratory qualitative analysis. Educational Foundations, 22(1-2), 47-62. Retrieved from:
Dutil, S. (2020). Dismantling the school-to-prison pipeline: A trauma-informed, critical race perspective on school discipline. Children & Schools, 42(3), 171-178.
Morris, M. W. (2016). Pushout: The criminalization of Black girls in schools. The New Press